Entertainers exist (as their job title implies) to entertain us. They’re supposed to sing and dance and act and make us forget about our woes and in return we pay them money so they can stay off welfare. But at some point along the way, the entertainment community convinced themselves that they are important enough to make policy and change the world (ever seen Martin Sheen cover himself in fake blood outside Fort Benning? Sad). The vast majority are straight up narcissists who love their flawless mirror images and have lost sight of the relationship between entertainer and fan. They exist for us, not the other way around.
So who’s pissed me off this time? Sarah McLachlan. More specifically, Sarah McLachlan’s record label. You see, I invited the Canadian siren to a formal ball honoring the partnership of American and Canadian Special Forces (called Menton Day) because I thought she may be interested in singing the national anthems of each country to mark the event. It was for the troops and since we’re living in an era of abundant military support, it should have been a no-brainer. I followed up the invitation with a polite phone call three weeks after sending it, which I didn’t think an impertinence to anyone. By the time I got through to Alpha Prime records, all I got was voice mail. So I tried again the next day. Another voice message. I waited two more days to call again, thinking myself to be a burden if I kept calling daily. I got the voice mail once again. I knew I was calling busy people, but by now I was feeling a bit blown off. I’m not exactly sitting around with nothing to do all day except call a singer’s errand boys to see if she would play our gig, but it’s important to my organization, so I persisted. I called a fourth time and finally got ahold of a female who claimed to represent Sarah. Elated, I described my situation, asking if Sarah would sing at our function. The response:
“You know you’re calling a record label, right?”
“Excuse me?” I replied.
“This is a recording company you’re calling. You do realize how busy we are and that you’re asking her to sing for soldiers at no cost, right?”
Bruce Banner’s “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” echoed in my head. Rambo’s gigantic meaty hand crushed the phone to my ear. Were I an X-Man the phone lines would have melted spontaneously. Before I went 1955 and burned her satanic rock ‘n roll records in the nearest public square, I quickly went through the top five responses in my head:
5. Busy? I’m guessing you’ve got a crock-pot full of moose penis that you have to tend to. My bad.
4. That’s great public relations-ridicule the trained killer in the room. What’s the address of your building again?
3. If you represented those Canadian idols, Bob and Doug Mackenzie, I would feel bad about bothering you, but we’re talking about the chick who coordinated that man-hating Lesbian Fest, Lillith Fair.
2. If it wasn’t for soldiers like us,Canada would be a Soviet Republic full of socialist degenerates eating Borscht, singing Das Kapital, and learning to goosestep on the weekends.
1.The fact that you’ve mastered your opposing thumbs is a triumph of evolution. Now use one of them to turn the “Bitch” dial down a few thousand notches and be productive.
I went with response #1 and was hung up on.
You guys rock! You represent our Ranger mind and keen sense of humor like few can. Keep up the great work; you make me laugh out loud–hard!
Outstanding! More one liners I need to see if I can work into conversations. And to think I bought one of her records my first deployment to punch the clown to. Never again.
As a photographer, I have to deal with labels & PR all the time; had you spoken to her management or PR then you may have gotten a different response and – in almost all cases – emailing them works best.
That said, your listed responses have all rattled through my brain (variations, of course) at some point whenever I’ve had to deal with music or movie PR
I would have went with #4, but nice, nonetheless. Keep keeping it real.
That blows … it really sucks that some people can’t seem to put themselves aside and actually look at something bigger. I’ve talked to some Canadian Army men, and I am glad to have met them. I do hope she will be able to sing on that holiday, I think it might be small thanks for the hard and thankless work the Special Forces do every day.
Kick ass Kelly Crigger. You rock. Keep up the good work and ranger on.
Sarah McLachlan’s US agency:
Paradigm
509 Hartnell Street
Monterey, CA 93940
Phone: 831-375-4889
Sarah McLachlan’s Canadian Manager:
Terry McBride
Nettwerk Productions
1650 West 2nd Avenue
Vancouver BC, V6J 4R3
Phone: 604-654-2929
Awesome Kelly…as always! I think #1 did the job nicely
They have lost their humanity.They forget their beginnings and those who put them on top.Being the perverted Italian sex fiend that I am, I would have used number 5.I would have substituted the moose with the Italian subspecies of the African Elephant,for good reason. Loxodonta Aficanus Italianus(scientific nomenclature) the oversized suspecies that I mentioned has an erect penis that stretches the tape measure to 4 feet!Italians ,like Texans,like to do everything in a BIG way.Just think of the size of the crock-pot she would have to use!