Big Army’s Latest FUBAR

Updated: May 9, 2013


By Mad Medic

It seems almost comical. Perhaps there were a bunch of generals sitting around trying to fluff their OER so they could get another star, maybe it was a PAO prank run amok, or maybe a Duffel Blog writer slipped a note to the Sergeant Major of the Army. Whatever the root cause may be, next year’s Soldier of the Year will be: Everyone. Every single soldier in the United States Army will be Soldier of the Year. The details haven’t been worked out yet how every soldier, to include officers will receive the trophy and commendations that usually go with winning Soldier of the Year, but the basic plan is that everybody’s been doing such a good job, that they want to reward, well pretty much everyone.

This move is not without precedent, during the Korean War countless Colonels that stayed in rear areas bitched endlessly that their contemporaries that had actually gone to war had more medals than they did. It was seen as unfair that they did really important work in places like Fort Dix New Jersey to support the war in Korea. The fact that Korea is on the other side of the globe from New Jersey was not nearly as important as their “war time” service. President Eisenhower, in a move to head off the endless bitching created the National Defense Medal in 1953. The NDM is a blanket medal awarded to any member of the armed services that is active during a time of war. Any service member regardless of MOS, or duty station would now get recognition for their “War Time” service.

But the good idea fairy wasn’t done yet, in 1981, the Army leadership, after dealing with scathing complaints that they were harassing the Gay community got together and worked out how they could make it up to the gays. The “No homo” policy was still in effect, so they had to do something. Just like that they had a flash of inspiration that would do the Good Idea Fairy proud. They would create a Gay Pride ribbon and give it to everybody that served in the Army. Although the Army Service Ribbon was technically to recognize armyserviceribbonsanyone that had made it through all 9 grueling weeks of Basic, it was widely recognized as a way to say “hey no butt hurt” to the Gay community. Troops that have occasion to walk around San Francisco in their uniforms are easily recognized, and welcomed by the Gay community, who all agree the ASR makes them look fabulous.

One might’ve thought that Big Army might’ve pushed away from the table and called it a day, but then the Global War on Terror began. It was the first war since the last one, and some of the poor generals that didn’t get the Southwest Asia Service Medal, the Saudi or Kuwaiti versions of the Kuwait Liberation Medal were determined not to be out done. They created the Global War on Terror Service Medal, and the Global War on Terror Expeditionary medal. At first the GWOT-SM was only awarded to people that were in direct support of the war effort, but POGs will be POGs, and the endless bitching loosened the awarding standards so that now everybody got the GWOT-SM regardless of if they actually supported the war effort or not.

As if that weren’t enough, after Operation Iraqi Freedom started, trash talking at the Pentagon reached a fevered pitch. In an effort to show who had more brass the muckity mucks that had supported Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan were saying they get their shit first and the OIF guys could suck it. Others who had been to both OIF and OEF were saying it was bullshit that they had one award for two wars, while the guys that had only been to OIF felt they had a “real” war and weren’t going to take some gay little medal that they had to share with the guys that went to Douchebagistan. Finally the Sec Def at the time, Donald Rumsfeld said “fuck this shit you each get a medal, now someone bring me some ranger candy my head is fucking killing me.” Thus the ACM and ICM were borne.

But the latest move by the Army Department seems to make no sense. How can every soldier be Soldier of the Year? Technically, Major Nidal Hassan, PFC Bradley Manning, and SSG Robert Bales are still soldiers. Does that mean that we will award Soldier of the Year to a terrorist, a traitor, or a massive dickhead? Well, it looks like we will. It seems that this is just the latest in a series of moves in the army to please a public that is increasingly valuing the participation trophy, and perhaps an attempt to remind the news media that we’re still the good guys.

SOY trophyThe reaction seems to be immediate and chaotic. It is suggested that at least fifteen NCOs committed suicide by repeatedly ramming their head into a wall, although it is not entirely clear if this is because of Big Army’s decision, or because their Privates maxed out their STAR card buying gifts for a stripper “that really loves them.” At Fort Sill, two artillery officers who weren’t doing anything anyway demanded that their rater put “soldier of the year” on their OER, threatening to call IG if it was not immediately taken care of. On almost every post that has a Cav unit, there have been a surge in “fuck this shit I’m wearing my Stetson,” which may explain the sudden rise in heart attacks Infantry Brigade Sergeant Majors seem to be suffering. DUIs also seem to be on the rise because “what the fuck can you do to me? I’m Soldier of the Year bitch!” MPs were reportedly not amused.

It’s clear that the “everybody’s a winner” crowd is to blame here. Despite the fact that the real Army knows everything in life has to be earned,the yahoos at the puzzle palace have figured that giving every a shiny trophy is the best way to recruit and keep people in a society that increasingly doesn’t know the value of an honest day’s labor. We must all hope that Big Army stops appeasing the congress critters soon before they legalize pot and let any old crack-head in. Whatever the reasoning for this decision, there is little doubt that this will cause chaos in the coming weeks and months.

An Army of ONE!





  1. Jinger

    May 9, 2013 at 9:03 am

    Every time I think I can’t love you any more than I already do… you publish something like this.

    Now, give me my presents Private Snuffy said he really loves me.

    • OldKrustyNonCom

      May 15, 2013 at 11:33 am


  2. SGT Ford

    May 9, 2013 at 9:20 am

    This seems like a load of horse shit. I am sure ” Mad Medic” calls themselves that for the reason he/she washed out of AIT.

    If this is somehow true, I love the acronym ETS.

    • Doc Boyce

      May 9, 2013 at 11:56 am

      Ford, my prescription? Pull the pine cone out of your ass and learn to recognize satire.

      And c’mon, washed out of AIT? You really think that would cut with the crowd at RU? Weaksauce bro, really.

      • Death Tanker

        May 9, 2013 at 2:37 pm

        SGT Ford, get your head out of your fourth point of contact.

        Doc Boyce, concur.

    • leftoftheboom

      May 9, 2013 at 10:42 pm

      The hole you leave in the Army when you ETS is going to be pretty damn miniscule. You should be proud.

      I bet your Senior Rater comments were spectacular

      “No enemy foreign or domestic requires this individual’s participation in the defense of this nation.”

      “Extremely capable of complicating the simplest instructions to the point of incoherence.”

      “Promoted after their peers because we still had a slot.”

      “Learned everything he knows about the military by watching “Saving Private Ryan” over the weekend before going to basic.”

  3. JoeC

    May 9, 2013 at 9:23 am

    This is the stupidest thing I’ve heard since the UAV pilot medal was placed above the Bronze Star. It sounds like the Army is trying to be the Air Force now and give everyone an award because they are dressed the same. There is a relatively easy fix for this. Don’t wear the decoration. If you feel it is cheapened so much that it isn’t worth anything anyway, just don’t wear it. When your chain of command asks you why you aren’t wearing it, tell them. This sounds like a classic case of the brass trying to kiss the ass of the boots on the ground because they don’t realize that the boots on the ground don’t want their asses kissed.

  4. sandman

    May 9, 2013 at 11:53 am

    This is hilarious. Made even more so by the fact that a) some of you ass hats seem to think it is true, and b) some of you ass hats seem to think the mad medic washed out of AIT. Some of you need to hit up your 4 shop for 1) A brain in some cases and 2) a sense of humor. I hear the backord3rs on both have been filled so they should be able to hep you now.

  5. Sgt. Stringcheese

    May 9, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    This isn’t fair!! I’m retired, I want the “I’m retired but still care” participation medal!

  6. ARoberts

    May 9, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    Im not sure which is funnier, the article or the butthurt that seems to be flowing through some of the folks who think this is real. For those of you who think this is real, I have some ocean front property out here in Arizona that I will sell you for really cheap.

    Remember guys and gals, they can and do post things on the internet that arent true.

    • Death Tanker

      May 9, 2013 at 8:03 pm

      ARoberts, I protest. False on the interwebs? Surely you jest!

      • Oh Hell

        May 10, 2013 at 7:27 pm

        I’m crushed. I thought EVERYTHING on teh innertubes was true……

      • 89Bguy

        May 11, 2013 at 5:32 pm

        LAWL, this is probably the best response on here so far.

  7. PFC WhattheF**k

    May 9, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    A participation medal… Yaaaay? Now there has to be a medal for the super soldier of the year, then a dirty nasty leg medal you can up grade to a super duper paratrooper medal

  8. Mad Medic

    May 9, 2013 at 8:35 pm

    well. . . that escalated quickly.

    • Matthew Q

      June 11, 2013 at 8:51 am

      And roger… lol

  9. leftoftheboom

    May 9, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    Well let’s see, in the interest of making everyone, including the SMA at the time (who did not have a tab and thus never earned the right to wear the black beret forgetting the fact that you had to be IN a BATT to wear it at all unless you wanted to get your ass beat), all Army personnel were awarded the Black Beret in order to make them feel more special like Special Forces, Rangers, and Airborne because we all know it was the Beret and only the beret that made those warriors cool.

    So why not make sure everyone gets a participation award, and forget the ones that are already there because that shit is old. We need a new one so that all the current folks in uniform have a nice, ohhhh SHINEY, to put more bling on their uniforms.

    I want mine retroactive so that I can get it on my DD214!

    I found out last week, a Soldier can receive 5 promotion points for donating blood. They have to give 4 donations then they get a certificate good for 5 points.

    • 76Yankme

      May 10, 2013 at 11:06 am

      They wouldn’t take my blood…said I was in Europe during Chernobyl or something like that. I’ll never get promoted now! *sob, sob*

  10. 1ID1MPCHIC

    May 10, 2013 at 8:56 am

    I had to wipe the coffee off my keyboard! LMAO! I always called my Army Service Ribbon the “Gay Coalition Award”…almost got smoked in PLDC for that remark!

  11. Vince

    May 10, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    I want to be able to write like this!!
    Can I get a wanting to write medal or ribbon?

  12. Sean

    May 10, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Dude, I hate to be “that guy”, but really? Does anyone really gives a shit about what goes on the Class A’s or ASU’s? Seriously, put your ruck on and move the fuck out… You wear the God Damn Dress Uniform for four hours max; does it really matter? PLUS… Hey E-1 through E-4, nobody gives a shit about the spacing of your fucking ribbons, because every person “who has done shit in the Army” is more focused on getting completely smashed. Just trying to get through another evening of “wasting Joe’s fucking time with morons who wore body armor on the FOB”… Go fuck yourself you tab-less bitches! And yes I am another Former Regiment Asshole (FRA) with a fucking attitude. Honestly, I have spent longer in a parachute rig than my “Dress Uniform”. Tab Check and Scroll Check for every “Leg Ranger Qualified” chump reading this… I feel much better after that rant, thank you for reading this far. Have a goodnight!

    • leftoftheboom

      May 13, 2013 at 3:59 pm

      Don’t forget to set your tanning lamp to recharge your batteries after sunset.

  13. James Pleasant

    May 11, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    I understand that sometimes it is very difficult to spot satire in online articles, because the authors are aware of the ridiculousness of their positions but sometimes they make such subtle points that readers who are not aware of the nuances of their subject may miss the fact that it is satire. This seems to be especially true of satirical articles regarding the inanities of the military. I have been guilty of posting articles about alleged military policy decisions which I have read that seemed possible, despite their outrageousness, only to discover afterwards that they were satire. Perhaps authors of satirical articles should preface such articles with a disclaimer that the article is satire…lol.

  14. Virgil Hilts

    May 15, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    And remember…..if EVERYONE is special….then NO ONE IS!

    Consider this; Why not just give EVERYONE the MOH!?!?

    (Reductio ad absurdum (It’s Latin….can be found on line)

  15. Gunship Load

    May 15, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Seriously, the worst part of that damned ASR…

    Having to wear it in AF Blues

    • leftoftheboom

      May 15, 2013 at 8:23 pm

      Ha Ha.

  16. carl s. lawrence

    May 16, 2013 at 3:18 am

    To damn funny.

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