Behind Closed Doors: Who’s the Greatest Leader

Updated: June 16, 2015

Every once in a while I like to give you a glimpse into the bowels of The Rhino Den. These are conversations that happen behind closed doors, out of view from our families, friends and the rest of the internet trolls. Most of the time nothing comes of it except story ideas, but every once in a while there is gold.

Such is the case with the following. RU Twisted and our resident curmudgeon Kelly Crigger go head-to-head over their individual views as to who’s the greatest leader in American History. –RU Rob

RU Twisted: You said that Dwight D. Eisenhower is the greatest leader in the 20th century and that you would stab anyone who disagreed with you “IN THE FACE.” Man, I hope your stabbing hand is warmed up because I just don’t think it’s that clear cut and simple.

KC: Let me guess, you’re going to give me some liberal hippie gobbledygook about how Clinton balanced the budget, defeated the evil Haitian hordes, and fostered kumbaya through multiracial Easter egg hunts on the White House lawn all while being a beacon of integrity and not having sex with interns.

RUT: Listen, although I usually judge politicians by their ability to procure a blow job in the Oval Office, picking Slick Willy as “best” anything would be like rooting for the first girl who shows her boobs in a horror movie. Sure she’s likable, but also really dumb and makes little sense in the overall plot, kinda like Bill.

But what about people like Patton? In the civilian sector there are guys like Ross Perot, or if we’re sticking with presidents, Teddy Roosevelt or Grover Cleveland (for wildly different reasons)?

KC: Anyone who grew up with the name Grover is probably a badass because he got picked on relentlessly and learned to stand up and fight for himself at a young age. But Uncle Google says his greatest accomplishment was strengthening the power and autonomy of the executive branch, so when you stack that up against Ike’s resume it’s barely a gnat on his Kansas scrotum. IS THERE NO ONE ELSE?!

RUT: Grover “Office holders are the agents of the people, not their masters” Cleveland: the greatest “good idea fairy” smasher in presidential history, vetoing more stupid laws than every president before him combined.

Ike: Played a shit-ton of golf and increased federal spending by over 60% during his time in office. Holy balls! He must have liked the private resorts…

KC: You mean the ones in Europe? The ones he liberated at the forefront of 8 million freedom-loving Allies? Cause that’s what this really comes down to-leadership. And no one led a greater group of humans in a more worthy cause against such long odds as Ike. Just think about the name itself. After the war the people chanted “I Like Ike!” The only Grover anyone remembers is that blue fucking muppet.

theodore_roosevelt_portraitRUT: Hey, Grover the Muppet was loved by millions of children! That aside, you make a solid point.

What about Teddy Roosevelt? The man resigned his political office to lead a charge into war. On horseback. And got punched in the face for fun. Name another leader with stones like that.

KC: I will concede that Teddy was a man among men who strode through life with the presence of the Great Sphinx atop the Titanic steaming through the Panama Canal, but if we’re comparing cajones to cajones, Eisenhower commanded a kajillion times more combat power than Teddy ever did and got the Brits to actually work with the French and WIN! He should be sainted by the Pope for that alone. He also started the space race, built the greatest highway system in the country, and coined the phrase “domino effect” while presiding over one of the greatest eras in human history-the 50’s. Did I fail to mention that Ike stared communism in its red eyes and didn’t flinch? If it wasn’t for Ike our parents would have been eating borscht and singing Das Kapital instead of bee bopping at a sock hop because the Reds would have eventually swept through Europe and kept going. Okay maybe that’s a stretch, but we don’t have to worry about it because Ike stood tall and beat that ass down.

RUT: None of that success in Europe would have happened without George Steel Balls Patton, who redefined “ass kicking” on a strategic scale while St. Ike sat back and got all the credit. The man demolished the German army in 6 different countries in about the same amount of time it takes a baby to gestate. If I’m lining up behind a guy against the most powerful army in the world, which one of those two am I going to choose—the one riding the desk or the guy who out-blitzed the people who invented the Blitzkrieg?

KC: Patton was hell on wheels himself, but in the end he was executing who’s plan? Say it with me…Ike’s. And though Patton’s life was tragically cut short and we’ll never know what he could have accomplished in the long run, Ike went on to lead the greatest country in the world years after he led the greatest invasion in history. Comparing Patton to Ike is comparing a bonfire to the sun.

RUT: Speaking of the sun, I think I just got burned.

KC: No, you got stabbed in the face.




  1. MajorTom

    June 17, 2015 at 11:01 pm

    We like Ike. Thought his rep as a mildly confused old guy was one of the better scams of the modern age. Yeah he was confused alright, ask the Brits and the French at Suez how confused Ike was. But he fell short in Hungary- not a noble act.

  2. John

    June 18, 2015 at 6:22 am

    You’re both wrong.
    George Washington is the greatest leader. Sure his generalship pretty much sucked, but he had all the power in his hands, and he gave it up at the end of the day. He didn’t do what every successful revolutionary before or since besides Cincinnatus and Mandela has done… make himself President For Life.

  3. John

    June 29, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    I like Ike. He was the best. I would follow Ike on any mission anywhere in the world.

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