Army Spends $100M On Piece of Equipment That Doesn’t Do Anything

From our friends at The Duffel Blog

Joint Base Lewis-McChord, WA – After extensive research and development, the Army announced today that they would field a new piece of equipment that does absolutely nothing.

The commander of 2nd Stryker Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division, was proud that his unit would be the first to acquire the new, high-quality, piece of shit.

“It’s a great day for us here. The Army has spent over $50 million in R&D on this new thing that doesn’t work at all and we’re the first to have our soldiers not use it,” said Colonel Charles Winston. “The new piece of equipment, dubbed the M404, doesn’t do anything at all and we couldn’t be prouder to have it first to show the rest of the world how incapable this new thing is.”

Sergeant Daniel Legget, a team leader in 1-17 INF, has already received several of the M404′s and is tasked with evaluating how ineffective it is.

“This piece of shit — it doesn’t do anything. It’s great. Our unit has six of them. They weigh about 600lbs a piece so it’s not easy to move around at all. We’ve taken them to the field four times already, and each time, they didn’t do fucking anything,” Legget said. “The M404 is the latest and greatest piece of shit that doesn’t work in the Army, and I’m very proud that my team has been carrying them around for nothing.”

Thomas Burns, an adviser to the Army who works for Xegis Solutions, had a hand in the M404′s development.

“General Odierno came to us and said, ‘the Army needs something that’s new and expensive. We’ve got about $80 million extra just lying around.’,” said Burns. “I just went from there and made a large crate with no handles that weighs 650lbs. The inside is mostly concrete, and the outside is made out of slick teflon coating that’s also considered stealth technology. That’s where most of our budget went.”

Yes, there is more…

One Comment

1. 

   Quickburn

   September 7, 2012 at 3:36 pm

   I laughed so hard, my fellow cube rats were doing the prarie dog. Good show.

   Reply