By Stephen Parks All of the horror Burned into the backs...
Rob (who for some strange reason has no last name like Cher or Madonna) was raised by
a pack of militant spider monkeys as an army-brat. Most of his youth was spent in the
motherland of Germany where he perfected the art of pouring a Hefe-Weizen at an early
age while wearing a pair of leder-hosen and knee high socks (that is actually true). He
mastered the German language not as a necessity but to pick up on the Fraulines!
Rob served 12 long and hard years in the infantry (it was more drunken than hard and he
was actually a mortarman so that really doesn’t even count as infantry) and after going
under the knife one too many times for recurring hemmorhoids, he hauled what was left
of his ass to the civilian world. After being depressed and missing the camaraderie of
the military he finally got off his lazy ass and went into law enforcement where he can
currently be found on any given Friday night chasing street whores and crack-heads.
Rob found Ranger Up by chance after seeing an advertisement at Blackfive.net. There
was an instantaneous spark of lust after ordering the Derka Derka Derka shirt and from
that point on he has been a staunch supporter of them. After entering the latest writing
contest, Nick was sick and tired of the endless e-cards, flowers and singing-grams Rob
was sending and gave him a nod to write for the Rhino Den.
In his spare time, Rob likes to shoot bottle rockets from the crack of his ass and loves to
meditate naked on his roof while listening to Enya. Although he has never personally
met any of the Ranger Up staff, he is hoping to have a sexual telephone conversation
with Tommy that involves ball-bearings, duct tape, a can of WD-40 and a shower curtain.
A true believer in the Ranger Up product, Rob forces his subordinates to wear ranger
panties and pink sweat-bands while conducting under-cover police work