A Friday Discussion: Women in Combat, John Kerry, and Super Bowl Sunday
Mr. Twisted: So, Jack, one issue we haven’t even begun to approach with this whole issue is whether or not women should now be part of the draft. Your thoughts?
Jack: That’s the million dollar question right there, brotha. This policy change by our magnanimous Sec. of Defense carries a lot of secondary questions with it (questions they obviously failed to ask before their final assessment)–a possible revamp of our selective service registration being a major one, of course.
My opinion: Not only yes… but FUCK YES with a cherry on top. Force the individuals who contributed to this decision–Papa Leon, the Joint Chiefs, numerous politicians, etc–to reckon with their blind and poorly thought out conclusion. Make all the people who have never served who are championing this change face the fact that their daughters and wives could possibly be involuntary called up for military service. They set a precedent with this one. Make them own up to it.
Look, this reversal of policy will already cause major changes to the cultural and physical environment of our combat forces. We’re Americans. Let’s not pussyfoot around this thing. Let’s throw in all the cards and let the shit-show begin. Plus I thought Private Benjamin was a hilarious movie and would really like to see it play out in real life.
Sometimes I think you ask me these questions so I get all riled up and you can laugh at me behind my back. That’s messed up, man. What’s your take?
Mr. Twisted: Goldie Hawn was an attractive woman, but not that ridiculously over-the-top kind of good looking that makes you think they are creating models in test tubes and replacing their brains with dried out gym socks. And yeah, it’s kinda fun to watch you get angry.
That being said, I can’t see how that wasn’t an automatic — women in combat roles should equal instant inclusion into the selective service. But then again, this is the same government that is going to confirm John Kerry as our next Secretary of State, so I’m thinking maybe my expectations are slightly too high.
Jack: Straight up. Our pollyannic approach to this issue is going to bite us in our collective flabby ass. Whatevs, I hear they’re in production for the Arrested Development movie, so at least we have something to look forward to.
Hey, speaking of John Kerry and others of his kind who completely make shit up, did you hear about that Manti Te’o guy from Notre Dame? Holy shit, they expect this guy to run a defense in the NFL and he allows himself to get duped on the internet. I thought that only happened to the elderly and that douchenozzle from Catfish.
Mr. Twisted: Bro, no lie, I have a psycho girl story that tops anything I’ve ever heard. It involves the internet, fake names, fake Facebook profiles, and several personalities that spanned numerous time zones and contained levels of crazy so epic that Maury Povich would be aching to talk to me if he had the chance. It’s one of those stories that could only be done justice by being punctuated with a mouthful of whiskey being spit into a campfire, so I’ll save that for another time.
I wanted to ease into the topic of John Kerry, but when I thought about it, I realized there was no way to do that. He’s douchetastic and there’s no gradual way to break that to someone. I figured by this hour you had already had a steady dose of caffeine and we already know the hate is there, so…I ran with it.
As for him being the new Secretary of State, I keep telling myself that it could be worse, but I’m having trouble thinking of how. Maybe if they nominated that guy who thought Guam would sink into the ocean because of too many Marines being on the island…?
Jack: Why do you feel it’s okay to build me up with a Maury-worthy story and not tell me? That’s the kind of selfish behavior that makes me question your morals, Twisted. I expect to hear this story sooner than later. And yes, you are correct, at this moment I have more coffee in my system than a horde of fat teenagers hanging out at a suburban Starbucks. So I apologize in advance if I come off as demanding or pissed.
Alright, to answer your question, It’s probably a toss up between John Kerry and that Guam guy, who I believe was a congressman from Georgia. On one hand, John Kerry is an extremely calculating attention whore who will stop at nothing for his own advancement–like completely throwing Vietnam Vets under the bus… and Iraq and Afghanistan Vets, for that matter. On the other hand, the Guam guy–unlike Kerry who is somewhat cognizant of his bullshit–is just flat-out, pants-on-head stupid. I almost feel sorry for him. I certainly feel sorry for his constituents. But then again, they voted for him so fuck ‘em.
Hey, do you think Kerry will go all Winter Soldier on our foreign allies when he makes his rounds? Like walkin’ up to the PM of the UK and being all like, “Our soldiers were cutting the ears off your dead redcoat soldiers’ heads after we beat your ass at Yorktown… we’re sorry for that.”
What was that congressman’s name, anyway?
Mr. Twisted: That was Hank “Tip Over” Johnson, proudly serving Georgia’s 4th Congressional district since 2007. Yes, that’s right — he’s a real life Congressman in the U.S. House of Representatives. I’m not sure who is worse, him or that Sheila Jackson Lee. Just Google each of their names and it’s like a Super Bowl of crazy.
See how I brought that back to football? I suppose we should take this time to make our predictions of the “big game” this weekend, eh? I’ll tell you right now that I’m rooting for the team who has the lowest number of players with long hair flying out the back of their helmet. If someone could figure out which team that is and let me know, just put me down for them winning by 17 points. That’s called being a “traffic whore” to get people to argue in the comment section over who’s going to win the Super Bowl. Maybe we should get Rob to come in here and start a betting pool.
Jack: HAHA! I like what you did there. Your internet polarization skills are strong. I look forward to seeing what RU readers have to say about this. Me personally, I couldn’t tell you which team has the least amount of long-haired hippies on it–being that my math knowledge is as strong as Hank Johnson’s comprehension of geology.
And isn’t Johnson’s district in or around of Atlanta? Wow, voting him into office had to be that city’s worst call since they tried to take on Sherman.
Yep, good call, let’s get Rob in here…
RU Rob: Ok smacktards, what the hell is going on? You have finally drawn me into this conversation, not on the merits of the original topic but because trying to follow your conversation is like following the life of Lindsay Lohan; you just never know what the end state is going to be but you are pretty sure it is going to be ugly.
I know in my younger years I would have been 100% against women in the military. But as I start to get older, and those greys start sneaking into my hair, I don’t really see the big freaking deal. Will all women cut the mustard to meet the standards? No. But think about this, how many fat-bodied young male Privates are there that can cut a fart let alone the mustard? A shit-ton!
(Jack and Twisted simultaneously): That’s why he’s in charge.
Mr. Twisted: Be sure to tune in next week when we try once again to stay on topic and most likely fail miserably. Until then, feel free to add comments regarding any of the, uhh, topics discussed above.