A Friday Discussion: Women in Combat, John Kerry, and Super Bowl Sunday

Updated: February 1, 2013

Mr. Twisted: So, Jack, one issue we haven’t even begun to approach with this whole issue is whether or not women should now be part of the draft. Your thoughts?

Jack: That’s the million dollar question right there, brotha. This policy change by our magnanimous Sec. of Defense carries a lot of secondary questions with it (questions they obviously failed to ask before their final assessment)–a possible revamp of our selective service registration being a major one, of course.

My opinion: Not only yes… but FUCK YES with a cherry on top.  Force the individuals who contributed to this decision–Papa Leon, the Joint Chiefs, numerous politicians, etc–to reckon with their blind and poorly thought out conclusion.  Make all the people who have never served who are championing this change face the fact that their daughters and wives could possibly be involuntary called up for military service.  They set a precedent with this one.  Make them own up to it.

Look, this reversal of policy will already cause major changes to the cultural and physical environment of our combat forces.  We’re Americans.  Let’s not pussyfoot around this thing.  Let’s throw in all the cards and let the shit-show begin. Plus I thought Private Benjamin was a hilarious movie and would really like to see it play out in real life.

Sometimes I think you ask me these questions so I get all riled up and you can laugh at me behind my back.  That’s messed up, man.  What’s your take?

Mr. Twisted: Goldie Hawn was an attractive woman, but not that ridiculously over-the-top kind of good looking that makes you think they are creating models in test tubes and replacing their brains with dried out gym socks. And yeah, it’s kinda fun to watch you get angry.

That being said, I can’t see how that wasn’t an automatic — women in combat roles should equal instant inclusion into the selective service. But then again, this is the same government that is going to confirm John Kerry as our next Secretary of State, so I’m thinking maybe my expectations are slightly too high.

Jack:  Straight up.  Our pollyannic approach to this issue is going to bite us in our collective flabby ass.  Whatevs, I hear they’re in production for the Arrested Development movie, so at least we have something to look forward to.

Hey, speaking of John Kerry and others of his kind who completely make shit up, did you hear about that Manti Te’o guy from Notre Dame?  Holy shit, they expect this guy to run a defense in the NFL and he allows himself to get duped on the internet.  I thought that only happened to the elderly and that douchenozzle from Catfish.

And for that matter, I was having a really good night until you brought up John Kerry.  Thanks a lot, dick. JohnKerry

Mr. Twisted: Bro, no lie, I have a psycho girl story that tops anything I’ve ever heard. It involves the internet, fake names, fake Facebook profiles, and several personalities that spanned numerous time zones and contained levels of crazy so epic that Maury Povich would be aching to talk to me if he had the chance. It’s one of those stories that could only be done justice by being punctuated with a mouthful of whiskey being spit into a campfire, so I’ll save that for another time.

I wanted to ease into the topic of John Kerry, but when I thought about it, I realized there was no way to do that. He’s douchetastic and there’s no gradual way to break that to someone. I figured by this hour you had already had a steady dose of caffeine and we already know the hate is there, so…I ran with it.

As for him being the new Secretary of State, I keep telling myself that it could be worse, but I’m having trouble thinking of how. Maybe if they nominated that guy who thought Guam would sink into the ocean because of too many Marines being on the island…?

Jack: Why do you feel it’s okay to build me up with a Maury-worthy story and not tell me?  That’s the kind of selfish behavior that makes me question your morals, Twisted.  I expect to hear this story sooner than later.  And yes, you are correct, at this moment I have more coffee in my system than a horde of fat teenagers hanging out at a suburban Starbucks.  So I apologize in advance if I come off as demanding or pissed.

Alright, to answer your question, It’s probably a toss up between John Kerry and that Guam guy, who I believe was a congressman from Georgia.  On one hand, John Kerry is an extremely calculating attention whore who will stop at nothing for his own advancement–like completely throwing Vietnam Vets under the bus… and Iraq and Afghanistan Vets, for that matter.  On the other hand, the Guam guy–unlike Kerry who is somewhat cognizant of his bullshit–is just flat-out, pants-on-head stupid.  I almost feel sorry for him.  I certainly feel sorry for his constituents.  But then again, they voted for him so fuck ‘em.

Hey, do you think Kerry will go all Winter Soldier on our foreign allies when he makes his rounds?  Like walkin’ up to the PM of the UK and being all like, “Our soldiers were cutting the ears off your dead redcoat soldiers’ heads after we beat your ass at Yorktown… we’re sorry for that.”

What was that congressman’s name, anyway?

Mr. Twisted: That was Hank “Tip Over” Johnson, proudly serving Georgia’s 4th Congressional district since 2007. Yes, that’s right — he’s a real life Congressman in the U.S. House of Representatives. I’m not sure who is worse, him or that Sheila Jackson Lee. Just Google each of their names and it’s like a Super Bowl of crazy.

See how I brought that back to football? I suppose we should take this time to make our predictions of the “big game” this weekend, eh? I’ll tell you right now that I’m rooting for the team who has the lowest number of players with long hair flying out the back of their helmet. If someone could figure out which team that is and let me know, just put me down for them winning by 17 points. That’s called being a “traffic whore” to get people to argue in the comment section over who’s going to win the Super Bowl. Maybe we should get Rob to come in here and start a betting pool.

Jack: HAHA!  I like what you did there.  Your internet polarization skills are strong.  I look forward to seeing what RU readers have to say about this.  Me personally, I couldn’t tell you which team has the least amount of long-haired hippies on it–being that my math knowledge is as strong as Hank Johnson’s comprehension of geology.

And isn’t Johnson’s district in or around of Atlanta?  Wow, voting him into office had to be that city’s worst call since they tried to take on Sherman.

Yep, good call, let’s get Rob in here…

RU Rob:   Ok smacktards, what the hell is going on?  You have finally drawn me into this conversation, not on the merits of the original topic but because trying to follow your conversation is like following the life of Lindsay Lohan; you just never know what the end state is going to be but you are pretty sure it is going to be ugly.

I know in my younger years I would have been 100% against women in the military.  But as I start to get older, and those greys start sneaking into my hair, I don’t really see the big freaking deal.  Will all women cut the mustard to meet the standards?  No.  But think about this, how many fat-bodied young male Privates are there that can cut a fart let alone the mustard? A shit-ton!

(Jack and Twisted simultaneously): That’s why he’s in charge.

Mr. Twisted:  Be sure to tune in next week when we try once again to stay on topic and most likely fail miserably. Until then, feel free to add comments regarding any of the, uhh, topics discussed above.




  1. Dro

    February 1, 2013 at 10:47 am

    I am rooting for the team with the fewest double murderers……as for the rest of it…..I’m glad they did it just so I can read your conversation, that makes it all worth while

  2. SSG Will

    February 1, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    I’m going to start by saying that I don’t hate women but to say that women in combat arms jobs will be anything but bad is totally unrealistic. Gays that’s one thing but the opposite sex is another. I’ll reference “Generation Kill” HBO’s miniseries on recon marines during the OIF invasion. (It’s based on a reporter’s accounts during his time imbedded with them) These guys see a WM (Woman Marine aka Wookie Monster)and start yelling things like “Can you imagine the stink on that pussy!” and then one approaches wearing a pro-mask before the CSM stops him. My point is that when a guy joins the infantry he’s doing so to kill the enemy and not be bothered with women and what they bring to the table (or what they don’t bring to the table to be more accurate). I read an article recently written by a WM who was the CO of a route clearance company and as a result of the lack of facilities available to her she is now infertile and her spine was literally being crushed by the weight of her gear and the amount of walking that was required for her to do her job. I think, no, I know that there will be an increase in sexual harassment/ assault because of this. No amount of SHARP training will stop it either. It’s the nature of the beast and I as the squad leader will have to deal with all of this bullshit. I just reenlisted for a job that I thought would guarantee that I wouldn’t have to deal with females and all of the excess baggage that they bring to the table. I have been an infantryman and am now a POG and have seen first hand the destructiveness that they bring to a platoon and the work they do ( or lack there of). Like a Lindsey Lohan story this isn’t ending pretty. If I’d have known this when I reenlisted I probably wouldn’t have. The standard is going to drop across the board to satisfy some political agenda and mine and a lot of other guys are going to have undertrained soldiers as a result that will take more time to make combat ready. (I’m an engineer, so yes even though I’m a POG we do still see shit go boom.) In closing I believe that this will cripple our military for the long term if the standards are lowered to make it possible for women to get into combat MOS career fields, so they feel like they have a better chance at becoming a General. I have a lot of friends that would roll over in their graves if they new this was happening. On a totally different note, awesome site! Makes Afshitistan more bearable. Thank you

  3. ChairForce Chick

    February 5, 2013 at 12:10 am

    As a female, I have mixed feelings about this decision. Not mixed feelings about the post…I fuckin love you guys and please keep up the work! So as a female I have a desire to see all jobs open to females WHO CAN MEET THE STANDARDS AND DO THE JOB. I don’t think standards should be lowered just so feminism can make a come back. I hate that shit when people want to “break through the boundaries” just to make a fucking point. If you want a combat MOS because you want to be great at something besides your skills on your knees, then more power to you…but don’t expect the standards to be lower just because you have a vagina. Be great because women are awesome and fucking prove all the men who think we can’t do it, wrong. Just like RU Rob said, there are plenty of men who can’t meet standards too. If a woman can do the job, let her.
    All that being said, however offensive it probably was, I don’t think it’s a good idea at all. Women are nothing but fucking drama and just as a previous poster mentioned, the conditions in the field just aren’t great for chicks….and besides, I thought we were trying to get RID of sexual assault/harassment.
    Not that I think we can’t…I just don’t think we should.

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