By Josh Gagnier We are not special and we are not...
A Douche Roundup
Clicking on the various news sites this morning and looking, as I always do, for a top Douche of the Week contender, it became apparent to me that, over the last week, there haven’t been any serious standouts. There have, of course, been numerous contenders; it is therefore my job to present some evidence and let you be the judge.
For those unfamiliar with the story, I’ll sum this one up as quickly as I can: A former Navy Reservist and LAPD officer, Dorner decided to murder a few people and publically release a “manifesto” before leading police on an extremely large and ongoing (as of this writing) man hunt that could very well see the first use of an armed drone on American soil. Needless to say, Dorner is a real piece of work; excerpts from his 11,000 word show clearly the incredibly douchetastic mind that is now slipping through law enforcement’s grasp:
“Mia Farrow said it best. ‘Gun control is no longer debatable, it’s not a conversation, it is a moral mandate.’”
If you ever find yourself quoting Mia Farrow regarding policy, it’s probably time to give up your right to vote and just turn yourself in to the nearest home for professional care.
He also felt the need to defend the President and lavish praise upon the first lady:
“…You call his wife a Wookie. Off the record, I love your new bangs, Mrs. Obama. A woman whose professional and educational accomplishments are second to none when compared to recent First wives.”
I’m not sure who has taken to calling FLOTUS a “Wookie,” but then again, I’m not sure how complimenting her bangs fits in with a sentence about her accomplishments, which I’m also completely unsure of. Whatever it is that she accomplished, it must have been darned impressive, and we should all be ashamed for not recognizing that very thing. I for one am embarrassed by my own inability at using Google because when I put in “Michelle Obama accomplishments,” the first things I come up with are how amazing her fashion sense is. I guess the fact that I didn’t find much beyond that and a graduate degree (which, by the way, Laura Bush had, as well), makes me a racist.
Dorner is, as mentioned above, currently on the run and probably getting ready for a glorious suicide-by-cop maneuver which will hopefully only take his life. Thanks for making both the law enforcement community and the Veteran community look bad, Christopher. You’re a douche on multiple levels for that one.
This is a tough one for a couple reasons. For those unaware, after the murder of former Navy SEAL sniper and best-selling author Chris Kyle, the former longtime Representative, Dr. Paul, sent out a message on Twitter stating:
I say that this is a tough one because, to be totally honest, I have a lot of respect for the Paul family. While Ron has made some very crazed, drunken uncle-esque statements regarding a number of things in the past (most on the topics of foreign policy and, well, Jews), he has never made any statement that would reflect anything but the highest respect for our military. Point of fact, in the last Presidential election, one candidate eclipsed all others in the number of donations from people in the military, and it wasn’t Barrack Obama or Mittens Romney. Paul, either in spite of or because of a decided isolationist bent to his policies, has garnered significant support from the armed forces.
When I saw the statement on Twitter, my first reaction was that 1) he doesn’t run his own Twitter feed, and 2) he does have a lot of borderline anarchists in his immediate circle, so they probably wanted to tweet something inflammatory. That thought, however, was banished upon seeing his “explanation” tweet a day later that essentially confirmed that Paul stood behind the statement.
That’s some serious douchebaggery, my friends. First of all, what the effin’ F$&K does Ron Paul know about PTSD and the best way to treat it? Yes, he is a medical doctor and a Veteran—an OBGYN in the Air Force. However, I’m pretty sure he hasn’t practiced medicine in several decades and, even if he had, his qualifications in no way make him an expert—or even knowledgeable—on the subject of post-traumatic stress. Secondly, his attempted use of Scripture to back up his claim shows a demonstrable ignorance of several Biblical passages (I’m not going to go into detail on that one, here, but keep in mind that Jesus himself at one point told his disciples to buy swords).
As I said, I am partial to a lot of the policies advocated for by the Paul family. His son Rand is one of the few people in our government that give me hope. That being said, this kind of douchenozzle dumbassery should be pointed out and smashed with a sledgehammer, as all here would probably agree.
The headline on Fox, right below the story about the Pope resigning (too many separate, unrelated jokes there—we will revisit that one upon further details emerging), was one quoting Rep. Nancy Pelosi as saying that it is a “false argument to say that we have a spending problem” in government.
I have to be honest, I’m at a loss for words on that one. The stupid writes itself sometimes, and Pelosi is living proof that having any knowledge whatsoever of economics is clearly not a requirement for…being in a position that writes the budget for our entire government. Just think, only a few short years ago, that woman was right behind Joe Biden to take the seat of POTUS in the event of a catastrophe. Makes you feel good about things, eh?
I leave it to you, Ranger Up and Rhino Den nation, to be the judge on this one. Who is your Douche of the Week winner?