A Douche Roundup

Updated: February 11, 2013

By Mr.Twisted

Clicking on the various news sites this morning and looking, as I always do, for a top Douche of the Week contender, it became apparent to me that, over the last week, there haven’t been any serious standouts. There have, of course, been numerous contenders; it is therefore my job to present some evidence and let you be the judge.

Christoper Dorner:

0207-christopher-dorner-1For those unfamiliar with the story, I’ll sum this one up as quickly as I can: A former Navy Reservist and LAPD officer, Dorner decided to murder a few people and publically release a “manifesto” before leading police on an extremely large and ongoing (as of this writing) man hunt that could very well see the first use of an armed drone on American soil. Needless to say, Dorner is a real piece of work; excerpts from his 11,000 word show clearly the incredibly douchetastic mind that is now slipping through law enforcement’s grasp:

“Mia Farrow said it best. ‘Gun control is no longer debatable, it’s not a conversation, it is a moral mandate.’”

If you ever find yourself quoting Mia Farrow regarding policy, it’s probably time to give up your right to vote and just turn yourself in to the nearest home for professional care.

He also felt the need to defend the President and lavish praise upon the first lady:

“…You call his wife a Wookie. Off the record, I love your new bangs, Mrs. Obama. A woman whose professional and educational accomplishments are second to none when compared to recent First wives.”

I’m not sure who has taken to calling FLOTUS a “Wookie,” but then again, I’m not sure how complimenting her bangs fits in with a sentence about her accomplishments, which I’m also completely unsure of. Whatever it is that she accomplished, it must have been darned impressive, and we should all be ashamed for not recognizing that very thing. I for one am embarrassed by my own inability at using Google because when I put in “Michelle Obama accomplishments,” the first things I come up with are how amazing her fashion sense is. I guess the fact that I didn’t find much beyond that and a graduate degree (which, by the way, Laura Bush had, as well), makes me a racist.

Dorner is, as mentioned above, currently on the run and probably getting ready for a glorious suicide-by-cop maneuver which will hopefully only take his life. Thanks for making both the law enforcement community and the Veteran community look bad, Christopher. You’re a douche on multiple levels for that one.

Ron Paul:

This is a tough one for a couple reasons. For those unaware, after the murder of former Navy SEAL sniper and best-selling author Chris Kyle, the former longtime Representative, Dr. Paul, sent out a message on Twitter stating:

Chris Kyle's death seems to confirm that "he who lives by the sword dies by the sword." Treating PTSD at a firing range doesn't make sense
Ron Paul

I say that this is a tough one because, to be totally honest, I have a lot of respect for the Paul family. While Ron has made some very crazed, drunken uncle-esque statements regarding a number of things in the past (most on the topics of foreign policy and, well, Jews), he has never made any statement that would reflect anything but the highest respect for our military. Point of fact, in the last Presidential election, one candidate eclipsed all others in the number of donations from people in the military, and it wasn’t Barrack Obama or Mittens Romney. Paul, either in spite of or because of a decided isolationist bent to his policies, has garnered significant support from the armed forces.

When I saw the statement on Twitter, my first reaction was that 1) he doesn’t run his own Twitter feed, and 2) he does have a lot of borderline anarchists in his immediate circle, so they probably wanted to tweet something inflammatory. That thought, however, was banished upon seeing his “explanation” tweet a day later that essentially confirmed that Paul stood behind the statement.

That’s some serious douchebaggery, my friends. First of all, what the effin’ F$&K does Ron Paul know about PTSD and the best way to treat it? Yes, he is a medical doctor and a Veteran—an OBGYN in the Air Force. However, I’m pretty sure he hasn’t practiced medicine in several decades and, even if he had, his qualifications in no way make him an expert—or even knowledgeable—on the subject of post-traumatic stress. Secondly, his attempted use of Scripture to back up his claim shows a demonstrable ignorance of several Biblical passages (I’m not going to go into detail on that one, here, but keep in mind that Jesus himself at one point told his disciples to buy swords).

As I said, I am partial to a lot of the policies advocated for by the Paul family. His son Rand is one of the few people in our government that give me hope. That being said, this kind of douchenozzle dumbassery should be pointed out and smashed with a sledgehammer, as all here would probably agree.

pelosi_oh_no_apNancy Pelosi:

The headline on Fox, right below the story about the Pope resigning (too many separate, unrelated jokes there—we will revisit that one upon further details emerging), was one quoting Rep. Nancy Pelosi as saying that it is a “false argument to say that we have a spending problem” in government.

I have to be honest, I’m at a loss for words on that one. The stupid writes itself sometimes, and Pelosi is living proof that having any knowledge whatsoever of economics is clearly not a requirement for…being in a position that writes the budget for our entire government. Just think, only a few short years ago, that woman was right behind Joe Biden to take the seat of POTUS in the event of a catastrophe. Makes you feel good about things, eh?

I leave it to you, Ranger Up and Rhino Den nation, to be the judge on this one. Who is your Douche of the Week winner?





  1. Just Plain Jason

    February 11, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    I would also like to nominate the whoever the cops were who lit up the truck with the women delivering the newspapers.
    Ron Paul always crazy…
    Nancy Pelosi…the woman who if she gets another facelift she will have a goatee.

  2. neil

    February 11, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Ron’s son is even more of a douche. Like, a douche of the year candidate.

  3. Chris Storace

    February 11, 2013 at 7:10 pm

    At first glance you’d think this should be a three way tie, but what I quickly realized is that it all comes down to the amount of potential harm each person does. Ron Paul may have had a senior’s moment, but aside from just being a completely retarded thing to say, it’s not going to do much more than piss a lot of people off. Christopher Dorner is clearly a psychopath and will probably take down a few more people with himself. I think his actions strengthen the argument for gun owners and the ability to protect themselves, but that’s probably just because I share the perspective. No, at the end of the day it’s Pelosi that’s most damaging.

    Being from California, I feel like I have to apologize everyday for Pelosi and Boxer. Not only is she a witless hag, but she commands her own zombie batallion. People listen to her and her disease spreads. She’s the only example in the entire government that we need to instill term limits. Being a citizen of a state/country that this woman helps govern is like being a bystander at a blind darts competition. This can’t end well for anyone.

  4. FatDave

    February 11, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Pelosi takes the cake. This incident is just the most recent display of her douche-tastic stupidity.

  5. Ray Murphy

    February 11, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    Why not have several douche of the weeks? If they stand up, let’s count ’em! I’d add Feinstein and Reid as well (perm members).

  6. JonBlake

    February 11, 2013 at 8:46 pm

    As Douchtastic as Rep. Pelosi is, and as Douchey as the Sr. Paul can be- SOMEtimes- nothing compares to taking the lives of innocent people to ‘avenge’ the wrongs done to you by others. Dorner is a douche of the highest order- a Lord Douche, if you will. If half of what he says happened to him and at the LAPD in general really happened (yet to be seen), then some serious investigation is called for. What he’s doing and done, however, serves only to harm innocents and muddy the waters of whether or not he can be trusted.
    I say the Douche Dorner.

  7. GI Joey

    February 11, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    Dorner takes the cake for me, although I have to admit my own mild case of PTSD flared up a bit when I read Ron Paul’s tweet… I’d love to show him how PTSD and guns mix sometime, all he has to do is repeat that comment in front of me at any given time… And Pelosi just deserves the title “Master and Commander in Chief of the Idiotastic Republic of Douchebagistan.” But yeah, a racist, dishonest, dishonorable rambling nut job of a murderer/cop killer has to take the cake this week…

  8. Aaron

    February 11, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    All are worthy of having their own spotlight. Pelosi in an interview this week got the order to the Bill of Rights wrong. So, I guess being at the very least knowledgable about our Constitution isn’t a prerequisite for political office.
    But, as douchetastic as Paul’s statement and subsequent defense was, and Pelosi’s continued efforts to be a permenant member of Douchbagistan (which she is) they pale in comparison to the monkeyfu*&king level of douchery that Dorner has attained.
    Simply out-doucheing Pelosi is a feat of superhuman douchebagness and earns him top spot of the year thus far in my book.

  9. Jack Mandaville

    February 11, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    I vote for Dorner (because his douchiness physically harmed people), but the LAPD deserves an honorable mention for the way they’ve been handling it… like mistaking two middle-aged Latina women in a blue Toyota Tacoma for a large black male in a gray Nissan Titan. I understand that police are people too and are working under considerable stress, but that kind of fuck up is completely unacceptable and the LAPD has done nothing but make excuses for a group of officers who clearly need to be looking for a job as Walmart security guards right now. AMERICA!

    • Phelps

      February 12, 2013 at 5:23 pm

      I was about to make the same comment. LAPD doesn’t need Dorner to make law enforcement look bad, they do just fine on their own. If American soldiers had made those mistakes, they would be facing court martials. LAPD can’t even decide of these officers need “additional training.”

  10. leftoftheboom

    February 11, 2013 at 10:37 pm

    Dorner: Gold for Douchedasterdlyness: He is continuing to run stupid and wild and we can only hope that when he leaves the illusion of life he goes alone. Maybe he froze and became a Douchesicle?

    Pelosi: Silver for Continuing Douchedasterdlyness: Proof that you cannot fix stupid but you can elect it. It would take a clue hammer the size of Everest to put a dent in her stupidity.

    Paul: Bronze for stepping on his crank Douchedsterdlyness. It was a stupid statement, and sticking too it is a sign that he has lost touch with reality. Old people say dumb stuff. He stopped being politically relevant anyway.

  11. aStonewallsolider

    February 11, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    I always love when scripture is used out of context

  12. axel

    February 12, 2013 at 2:24 am

    I would say Pelosi should have been added and anever ending member of the douche of the week….She should never be removed….ever. christoper dorner should however be on top for this week as he has now become the biggest argument for gun control. As a service member, he has knowingly blue falconed the whole lot of us. I hope he is caught and rots in prison, or is killed, either way works

  13. Bushidokop

    February 12, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Don’t forget all the douchebozzles supporting Dorner, as if he some kind of vigilante hero. I even heard him compared to pachino’s serpico. I expect a bunch of pussy goth boys sitting in front of their computers fanning together to cock stroke Dorner in the comments section of CNN and Yahoo, but when ‘professionals’ get on tv to give credence to his rampage in some Stockholm syndrome-eske way… Well this country is full of more retards than I naively thought possible.

  14. Patriot99999

    February 13, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    Dorner wins hands down. He’s a giant POS who came to LAPD w/ an agenda. When he couldn’t find corruption he made it up. He shot himself in the hand during training, which extended his academy by 6 months, then when he started screwing up his field training he volunteered to go to Bahrain for a year. He returned and continued to suck at his job as a PROBATIONARY police officer and when faced with the reality he could be fired chose to make the last of SEVERAL false complaints. He got fired for lying (3 independent civilians witnesses confirmed the training officers stories). He then after being fired twice appealed his case in court and lost both times. The case has been reviewed and they found he lied. Rather then man up and take his lot in life he chose to go out and murder innocent people. He then chose to ambush and murder police officers who had nothing to do with his case.

  15. ranger2/75

    February 16, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Senator Paul, I expected more from you. Now you are but just another super prick in office. I can’t vote for anyone who thinks like you do on matters such as this. chris was a true American Hero and you should have applauded his efforts on the home front for helping people through PTSD. A firing range is a common bond between warriors where we can let our guard down. This is a very rare incident and you jumped on the dang gun bashing, finger pointing at soldiers with PTSD and labeling them ALL dangerous. It’s ok that we protect this country with our lives and fight the bad guys but when we come home you expect us to become slaves to the fears of the unknown and to subdue the memories that most effect and shape us. you sir are on the wrong train and I have no respect for you any more.

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