2013 News Review: Ranger Up Style
By RU Twisted
Well, like most years, this was one that furthered the desire of many level headed individual to purchase that cabin in the woods, liquidate all their goods, and do nothing but fish, drink whiskey, and watch The Damn Few cartoons over and over again.
So let’s do a Ranger Up-styled review of what went down starting a long, long time ago in a month far, far away…
January: Civil war erupts in Syria, prompting a series of “don’t do that or else…” political remarks from numerous world leaders, and President Barrack Obama is inaugurated for his second term, immediately vowing to bring the long-lost art of sign language misdirection back into the mainstream.
February: A meteor explodes in Russia, injuring over a thousand people and destroying at least as many buildings, proving that Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis will not risk themselves in outer space for Eastern Europe—only ‘Murica. Also, the Academy Awards continued to exist in this month, proving that most people do not want civilization to advance, while Christopher Dorner, Ron Paul, and Nancy Pelosi share a collective “Douche of the Week” title.
March: A new Pope, who promises to suck way less than other Popes, becomes Pope and does a bunch of stuff that Popes should have been doing for a long time. Actor Sean Penn has a huge sad face because Venezuelan stand-up guy Hugo Chavez punches his final ticket, and Senator Harry Reid proves his cluelessness once again by blaming the training deaths of Marines on the government sequester. Which is ironic, given Sen. Reid’s position in said government.
April: Showing their super-duper usefulness, the United Nations pledges to regulate small arms around the world, and in a tragic event that proves Ranger Up is better at bringing accurate and timelier updates than multi-billion dollar news agencies, two Chechen Islamist brothers detonate two bombs at the Boston Marathon, killing 3 people and injuring almost 300 more. Bostonians collectively utter a “feck off!” and quickly bring the brothers to justice.
May: Proving that people without souls can not only do business but also thrive in the American economy, a woman boots her own war-hero father out of his home while nearly every major media outlet had a combined aneurism over the George Zimmerman trial. If there were any hope for big-budget news corporations, it died a horrible death in May.
June: Giving endless fodder for libertarians, conservatives, and progressives to fight even more than they already do, Edward Snowden releases information regarding the NSA’s spying on both domestic and foreign fronts. Though there are apparently many more documents that Snowden has to disclose, we all collectively believe that he’s substantially less of a douchebag than that Manning fella. Or girl. Or…whatever. The Supreme Court also gave the go-ahead to everyone’s favorite piece of legislation, the Affordable Care Act, which in turn prompted a wicked-fast and highly-efficient website for the service.
July: Croatia becomes the 28th nation to be part of the European Union!! Why are we excited about that? We’re not, but July was a slow month. Oh, the royal couple had a baby, which for whatever reason made everyone think that monarchy is a great thing, and Jesse Ventura proved he’s one of the biggest douchebags of the year. Given who else earned that title, it was an impressive feat, to be sure.
August: Bradley/Chelsea/Moron Extraordinaire Manning sentenced to 35 years in prison for leaking files; Miley Cyrus makes us all want to gouge our eyes out; Syria gases its own people (again), and every politician in America immediately displays their ignorance on what it means (Syria is a George Clooney movie, right?). Former Army Major Nidal Hasan sentenced to death for his act of “workplace violence.”
September: Northern Colorado goes underwater; bombings erupt throughout Iraq, and an al Qaeda terrorist attack in a Nairobi shopping mall leaves 67 people dead and many more injured. As a group, I think we can all safely agree that these were signs that the earth has grown weary of__________ (insert funny here).
October: The mouth-breathers in Congress steal the news with their inability to do, well, anything. They can’t stop spending money like Floyd Mayweather, jr. at a casino, so they decide to just quit, which means people like the families of those recently killed in action fighting for that very government are denied benefits. Yet, magically, Congress’s pay seems to continue without issue. It’s tough to make jokes about that story.
November: The most shocking news story of November, 2013 is that The Rhino Den failed to name a single Douche of the Week. After careful analysis, our crack team of investigators believe this to be due to a month-long drunk after Tim Kennedy winning by knock-out at Ft. Campbell rather than there being a lack of douchebags.
December: North Korean leader Kim Jong Un executes his own uncle for saying that Un is a worse singer than his father was; Congress manages to cut retirement and disability benefits to Veterans while….still retaining their pay; Nelson Mandela dies, giving everyone nostalgia about a country that is in really, really bad shape, and Ranger Up, the greatest military and Veteran-based company on the planet, plays the role of Santa to everyone who knows what’s cool. ‘Murica.
All in all, it was a year that provided numerous cases of head-scratching at the world around us. Stories that should have been minor blown out of proportion while those who are doing the right thing continue to remain largely unnoticed. Celebrities persisted in making a case for mercy killings, talking heads made strong cases for why free speech isn’t always a great idea, and politicians, well….acted like politicians.
But The Rhino Den grew and along with it a community of people who refuse to subscribe to the status quo—a group who is opinionated, straightforward, and above all has a high degree of bullshit detection. It is for you that we bring you the stories we do, and it is with pride that we are able to do so.
Thank you, Ranger Up and Rhino Den nation.
Here’s to bringing you the top news of 2014. Now go and be careful what you drink on New Year’s. The purple stuff will make you talk to rocks.