14 Signs You Are Living in a Movie
By Pablo James
The state of American society, culture, and politics is seemingly getting crazier. Comedian and podcaster, Joe Rogan, frequently describes it by saying it is as if we are living in a Coen Brothers’ movie. No matter where you work, you’ve probably heard a co-worker blurt out, “Bro, we could make a movie about this place…”
Maybe it’s true. Maybe we are living in some wacky movie. How would we even know? If you ever found yourself lying awake at night wondering if your life was, in fact, a movie, this might be the most important article you read all year.
There are several ways to know if you are indeed living in a movie:
- You routinely explain your job to coworkers who do exactly the same job (like crime scene lab techs, for instance) and don’t need your simplified explanation of something they do every day.
Tech 1: “Tom, what I’m doing is placing the fluid into a centrifuge, which will spin the vials of blood at a high rate of speed and separate the plasma, making it possible to test.”
Tech 2: “Yeah? No fucking shit, dude, we do the same fucking job.”
- You blatantly disregard the rules at your office every day and often insult your boss in front of everyone, yet you rarely get in trouble…with the exception of your angry, grumpy boss yelling at you. You’re also the only guy in your office that doesn’t have to follow the dress code.
- Your apartment or condo includes an antique looking freight elevator instead of a front door, at least one exposed brick wall, spectacularly well maintained wood floors, and a wrought iron spiral staircase. Your view is either the most notable landmark in your city or some industrial steampunk looking thing like a commercial harbor. This assumes you don’t live on a boat.
- When something important is on the news, your friend simply calls you and tells you “Turn on Channel 7!” and you will be able to do so without missing any of the story. If you are in a bar, you simply need to tell the bartender to turn the TV up.
- You carry exact change at all times. In restaurants and bars, they are totally cool with you just living a few bills tossed on the table. Your cab driver will never count what you give him. Criminals, however, will always open the briefcase and glance at the stacked bills provided. This is sufficient to ensure it is, indeed, the $175,000.00 that was agreed upon.
- The darkest parts of your life (your parents’ murder or when your young brother drown in the lake) were extensively documented in regional newspapers. A full collection of clippings of these stories will be maintained in a shoebox somewhere in your home where someone can piece together the mystery of your life with relative ease. If not, they are available on microfiche at a local library somewhere.
- You probably drive an old, classic vehicle that is in pristine condition and rarely requires you to stop at a gas station. It is probably a convertible.
- Cars involved in crashes will almost always explode, unless you are in a car chase. If the car is driven by someone possessing critical information that you absolutely need, their recently crashed car will explode into flames as you run towards it to.
- On a wall somewhere, you have built a complex association matrix made up of photographs, newspaper clippings, handwritten index cards, and thumbtacks. String connects all pertinent people and events.
- If you carry a pistol, it will generally never require any type of reloading. In the unlikely event you DO run out of ammunition, simply throw the gun off to the side and retrieve another from your waistband. If you have a malfunction or your pistol falls out of your reach, it will be as the person or thing trying to kill you is almost upon you. Don’t fret. The weapon will be in your hand and operational in the last seconds before you are nearly killed.
- If you ever served in a special military unit, you will have a unit tattoo. It will be impossible for anyone outside of the unit to get this tattoo, thus enabling you to identify current or former members…specifically those who have “gone rogue.”
- Despite the ongoing process of recruiting, training, and deploying military personnel, you may be the only person capable of succeeding in a particular mission. If this occurs, agents of the government (possibly your former commander) will show up at whatever secluded place where you happen to be hiking, hunting, or living and bring you out of retirement. Even though you made it clear to everyone that you have put that part of your life behind you.
- If you have a pet, it is probably a dog that is incredibly affable and intelligent and is perfectly trained.
- If you have a wife or girlfriend, there is a high likelihood that she did not commit to having a serious relationship with you until you interrupted her wedding to another guy who, by all outward appearances, was a much better partner for her. Her demonstrated willingness to throw away a major life decision on a fluke has not had any negative ramifications.
As with medical or psychological conditions, the presence of one or two of these conditions in your life may not be indicative of anything. The presence of five or more, however, may indicate that you are, in fact, a character in a major motion picture.